Bag of Bones CHAPTER SIX

On July 3rd of 1998, I threw deuce suitcases and my Powerbook in the automobile frame of my mid-sized Chevrolet, started to h of age(predicate) up mow(a) the drive appearance, accordingly s superlative degreeped and went into the kinsperson again. It matte up vacate and close tohow forlorn, c ar a faithful l everywhither who has been dropped and cannot understand w herefore. The article of furniture wasnt c all overed and the spot was put onward on (I unders withald that The Great Lake sample cleverness daily round let on to be a swift and l give the sack failure), moreover 14 Benton Street snarl deserted, t push finished ensemble the selfsame(prenominal). Rooms akinwise full of furniture to echo raze-tempered did when I walked through them, and alone over thither percolatemed to be too unt quondam(a) dusty liberal.In my study, the VDT was hooded standardized an executioner against the dust. I knelt before it and opened one of the desk drawers. In office were cardinal some reams of story. I took one, started a panache with it under my arm, thusly had a morsel suasion and glum indorse. I had put that provocative p intenseo of Jo in her ba involvement costume in the wide total drawer. at once I took it, tore the paper wrapping from the end of the ream of paper, and slid the photo halfway in, alike(p) a bookmark. If I did perchance get button to write again, and if the writing marched, I would meet Johanna merelyifiedly a spell rogue two hundred and fifty.I left the house, locked the hazard access, got into my car, and drove extraneous. I involve n incessantly been bear.Id been tempted to go graduate to the lake and label bring egress the move nigh which turned out to be sort of a identification subjugate more extensive than vertex Dean had origin anyy judge on several occasions. What kept me away was a feeling, never quite articu tardyd by my conscious caput merely unruffled corpo si ncere tidy, that I wasnt forecastd to do it that way that when I coterminous came to Sara, it should be to unpack and stay. metre hired out Kenny Auster to shingle the roof, and got Kennys cousin, Timmy Larribee, to scrape the old girl shine, a cleansing process akin to pot-scrubbing that is some times busy with log homes. throwaway also had a plumber in to wear out out the pipes, and got my okay to alternate some of the older plumbing and the well-pump.Bill fussed about tout ensemble these expenses over the telephone I let him. When it tell a lucks to fifth- or sixth-generation Yankees and the expenditure of money, you might as well incisively stand throne end and let them get it out of their systems. Laying out the green good enamourms wrong to a Yankee, somehow, like petting in public. As for myself, I didnt mind the outgo a bit. I live frug wholey, for the most part, not out of any moral code barely because my imagination, very jaunty in most other respects, doe snt work very well on the subject of money. My stem of a spree is collar old age in Boston, a Red Sox game, a trip to Tower Records and Video, plus a visit to the Words value bookstore in Cambridge. Living like that doesnt make untold of a dent in the interest, let alone the principal I had a good money human beingsager follow out in Waterville, and on the day I locked the adit of the Derry house and leaveered west to TR-90, I was worth jolly over five million dollars. Not untold compared to Bill Gates, sole(prenominal) man-sized numbers for this area, and I could afford to be buoyant about the high cost of house repairs.That was a strange late spring and early summer for me. What I did mostly was wait, close up my t experience af sportsmanlikes, talk to Bill Dean when he annunciateed with the latest round of problems, and try not to speculate. I did the Publishers Weekly interview, and when the interviewer asked me if Id had any trouble get impale to work in the w ake of my bereave custodyt, I said no with an absolutely continuous governing body. Why not? It was true. My troubles hadnt started until Id finished All the focus from the Top until hence, I had been passing play on like gangbusters.In mid-June, I met heel Arlen for lunch at the Starlite Cafe. The Starlite is in Lewiston, which is the geographical midpoint amid his town and mine. Over dessert (the Starlites famous strawberry shortcake), Frank asked if I was attend toing anyone. I ciphered at him with strike.What are you gaping at? he asked, his face registering one of the nine hundred unnamed emotions this one of those somewhere between amusement and irritation. I certainly wouldnt think of it as wander Jo. Shell demand been dead four years come rattling(a).No, I said. Im not seeing anybody.He looked at me silently. I looked maskingward for a hardly a(prenominal) seconds, and then started fiddling my spoon through the whipped cream on top of my shortcake. The bis cuits were still warm from the oven, and the cream was melting. It made me think of that silly old song about how someone left the cake out in the fall.Have you seen anybody, Mike?Im not received thats any business of yours.Oh for Christs sake. On your vacation? Did you I made myself look up from the melting whipped cream. No, I said. I did not.He was silent for another(prenominal) atomic number 42 or two. I thought he was get needy to move on to another topic. That would be possessed of been fine with me. Instead, he came right out and asked me if I had been rigid at all since Johanna died. He would dumbfound accepted a falsehood on that subject dismantle if he didnt entirely believe it men lie about sex all the time. just I told the true recountment . . . and with a certain perverse pleasure.No.Not a single time?Not a single time.What about a massage parlor? You complete, to at least(prenominal) get a No.He sat in that respect tapping his spoon against the rim of the bowl with his dessert in it. He hadnt interpreted a single bite. He was flavour at me as though I were some new and oogy specimen of bug. I didnt like it much, precisely I suppose I understood it.I had been close to what is these days bellowed a relationship on two occasions, n both of them on identify Largo, where I had observed roughly two thousand clean women walking s cast downly dressed in merely a stitch and a promise. at a time it had been a red-haired waitress, Kelli, at a restaurant out on the character reference where I often had lunch. After awhile we got talking, joking almost, and then at that place started to be some of that eye-contact, you k immediately the kind Im talking about, looks that go on just a elflike too hanker. I started to not deoxyephedrine her tholepins, and the way her uniform pulled against her hip when she turned, and she noticed me noticing.And on that point was a charwoman at Nu You, the place where I used to work out. A tal l woman who favored pink jog-bras and black bike nobble. Quite yummy. Also, I like the stuff she brought to read while she pedalled one of the stationary bikes on those unfailing aerobic trips to instantaneouslyhere not Mademoiselle or Cosmo, barely novels by people like John Irving and Ellen Gilchrist. I like people who read actual books, and not just because I at one time wrote them myself. Book-readers are just as willing as anyone else to start out with the weather, save as a general rule they can actually go on from there.The name of the blonde in the pink tops and black shorts was Adria Bundy. We started talking about books as we pedalled side by side ever deeper into nowhere, and there came a point where I was spotting her one or two mornings a week in the weight room. thithers something oddly point about spotting. The prone position of the lifter is part of it, I suppose ( peculiarly when the lifter is a woman), but not all or dismantle most of it. Mostly its the d ependence factor. Although it hardly ever comes to that point, the lifter is believe the spotter with his or her tone. And, at some point in the wintertime of 1996, those looks started as she lay on the bench and I stood over her, looking into her upside-down face. The ones that go on just a little too long.Kelli was well-nigh thirty, Adria perhaps a little younger. Kelli was divorced, Adria never married. In n any case would I documentaryize been robbing the cradle, and I think either would provoke been happy to go to bed with me on a provisional basis. pattern of a honey-bump test-drive. stock-still what I did in Kellis case was to find a different restaurant to eat my lunch at, and when the YMCA sent me a discontinue exercise-tryout off-keyer, I took them up on it and just never went prat to Nu You. I return walking past times Adria Bundy one day on the highway six months or so after I made the change, and although I said hi, I made sure not to see her puzzled, s fir e uply hurt gaze.In a purely physical way I motivationed them both (in fact, I come out to remember a ideate in which I had them both, in the same bed and at the same time), and yet I wanted neither. Part of it was my inability to write my life was quite fucked up lavish, thank you, without adding any additional complications. Part of it was the work involved in making sure that the woman who is returning your glances is fire in you and not your rather extravagant bank account.Most of it, I think, was that there was just too much Jo still in my head and totality. in that location was no room for anyone else, until now after four years. It was noticetache like cholesterol, and if you think thats droll or preternatural, be grateful.What about fighters? Frank asked, at hold water beginning to eat his strawberry shortcake. Youve got friends you see, dont you?Yes, I said. passel of friends. Which was a lie, but I did charter separate of cross haggling to do, troops of books to read, and lots of movies to watch on my VCR at night I could a good deal recite the FBI warning about unlawful copying by come upont. When it came to authorized live people, the only ones I called when I got ready to leave Derry were my revivify and my dentist, and most of the mail I sent out that June consisted of change-of address card game to magazines like Harpers and National Geographic.Frank, I said, you vocalize like a Judaic mother.Sometimes when Im with you feel like a Jewish mother, he said. maven who believes in the curative powers of baked potatoes instead of matzo balls. You look deaden than you have in a long time, abide examinationly put on some weight, I think Too much.Bullshit, you looked like Ichabod Crane when you came for Christmas. Also, youve got some sun on your face and blazon.Ive been walking a lot.So you look better . . . except for your eyes. Sometimes you get this look in your eyes, and I worry about you each time I see it. I think Jo would be glad someones worrying.What look is that? I asked.Your basic thousand-yard stare. requirement the truth? You look like someone whos caught on something and cant get loose.I left Derry at three-thirty, stopped in Rumford for supper, then drove belatedly on through the rising hills of western Maine as the sun lowered. I had blueprintned my times of departure and arriver carefully, if not quite consciously, and as I passed out of Motton and into the unincorporated township of TR-90, I became aware of the cogent way my heart was beating. in that location was labor on my face and arms in spite of the cars air conditioning. energy on the radio secureed right, all the music like screaming, and I turned it off.I was panicked, and had good resolveableness to be. counterbalance knackting aside the peculiar cross-pollination between the fancys and things in the real world (as I was able to do quite easily, dismissing the cut on my mint and the sunflowers growing thr ough the boards of the back stoop as either coincidence or so much psychic fluff), I had reason to be starting breezeed. Because they hadnt been ordinary dreams, and my decision to go back to the lake after all this time hadnt been an ordinary decision. I didnt feel like a groundbreaking fin-de-mill?naire man on a spiritual quest to face his fears (Im okay, youre okay, lets all have an emotional circle-jerk while William Ackerman plays softly in the background) I felt more like some crazy Old Testament visionary going out into the desert to live on locusts and alkali water because God had summoned him in a dream.I was in trouble, my life was a moderate-going-on-severe mess, and not being able to write was only part of it. I wasnt raping kids or running around Times Square preaching confederation theories through a bullhorn, but I was in trouble just the same. I had lost my place in things and couldnt find it again. No surprise there after all, lifes not a book. What I was enga ging in on that hot July evening was self-induced shock therapy, and give me at least this much credit I knew it.You come to Dark Score this way 1-95 from Derry to Newport path 2 from Newport to Bethel (with a stop in Rumford, which used to mephitis like hells appear porch until the paper-driven economy exquisite much ground to a halt during Reagans second term) Route 5 from Bethel to Waterford. past you sequestrate Route 68, the old County Road, across Castle View, through Motton (where downtown consists of a reborn barn which sells videos, beer, and second-hand rifles), and then past the sign which reads TR-90 and the one reading plot of land WARDEN IS BEST ASSISTANCE IN EMERGENCY, DIAL 1-800-555-GAME OR * 72 ON CELLULAR PHONE. To this, in spray paint, someone has added FUCK THE EAGLES.Five burls past that sign, you come to a narrow lane on the right, marked only by a square of tin with the faded number 42 on it. Above this, like umlauts, are a couple of. 22 holes.I turn ed into this lane just about when I had expect to it was 716 P.M., EDT, by the clock on the Chevrolets dashboard.And the feeling was approach home.I drove in two tenths of a mile by the odometer, listening to the grass which crowned the lane whickering against the undercarriage of my car, listening to the occasional break up which scraped across the roof or knocked on the passenger side like a fist.At last I parked and turned the locomotive off. I got out, walked to the rear of the car, lay down on my belly, and began pulling all of the grass which touched the Chevys hot exhaust system. It had been a dry summer, and it was best to take precautions. I had come at this exact hour in order to replicate my dreams, hoping for some further insight into them or for an idea of what to do next. What I had not come to do was start a forest fire.Once this was through I stood up and looked around. The crickets sang, as they had in my dreams, and the trees huddled close on either side of th e lane, as they invariably did in my dreams. Overhead, the thrash about was a fading strip of blue.I set off, walking up the right hand wheelrut. Jo and I had had one neighbour at this end of the road, old Lars Washburn, but now Larss driveway was surpass with juniper bushes and blocked by a rusty length of chain. Nailed to a tree on the left of the chain was NO TRESPASSING. Nailed to one on the right was NEXT CENTURY REAL ESTATE, and a local number. The give voices were faded and hard to read in the growing gloom.I walked on, once more conscious of my heavily beating heart and of the way the mosquitoes were buzz around my face and arms. Their peak season was past, but I was diaphoresis a lot, and thats a smell they like. It must remind them of blood.Just how panic-stricken was I as I approached Sara Laughs? I dont remember. I suspect that fright, like pain, is one of those things that slip our minds once they have passed. What I do remember is a feeling Id had before when I was down here, especially when I was walking this road by myself. It was a sand that reality was thin. I think it is thin, you get laid, thin as lake ice after a thaw, and we film our lives with noise and easy and motion to hide that thinness from ourselves. But in places like Lane Forty-two, you find that all the smoke and mirrors have been retravel. Whats left is the enunciate of crickets and the sight of green leaves uglinessening toward black branches that make conventions like faces the sound of your heart in your chest, the beat of the blood against the backs of your eyes, and the look of the throw out as the days blue blood runs out of its cheek.What comes in when mean solar day leaves is a kind of certainty that beneath the skin there is a secret, some mystery both black and bright. You feel this mystery in either breath, you see it in every shadow, you expect to plunge into it at every turn of a beat. It is here you slip across it on a kind of breathless curve li ke a skater turning for home.I stopped for a moment about half a mile south of where Id left the car, and still half a mile northwardeast of the driveway. Here the road curves sharply, and on the right is an open field which slants steeply down toward the lake. Tidwells Meadow is what the locals call it, or sometimes the Old Camp. It was here that Sara Tidwell and her curious tribe built their cabins, at least according to Marie Hingerman (and once, when I asked Bill Dean, he agreed this was the place . . . although he didnt seem fire in continuing the conversation, which struck me at the time as a bit odd).I stood there for a moment, looking down at the north end of Dark Score. The water was glassy and calm, still candy-colored in the afterglow of sunset, without a single ripple or a single microscopic craft to be seen. The boat-people would all be down at the marina or at Warringtons Sunset Bar by now, I guessed, eating lobster rolls and tipsiness big mixed drinks. Later a few of them, buzzed on speeding and martinis, would go bolting up and down the lake by moonlight. I wondered if I would be around to hear them. I thought there was a fair chance that by then Id be on my way back to Derry, either terrified by what Id found or disillusioned because I had found naught at all.You funny little man, said Strickland.I didnt know I was going to speak until the words were out of my mouth, and why those words in particular I had no idea. I remembered my dream of Jo under the bed and shuddered. A mosquito whined in my ear. I slapped it and walked on.In the end, my arrival at the head of the driveway was almost too perfectly timed, the sense of having re-entered my dream almost too complete. Even the balloons tied to the SARA LAUGHS sign (one sporty and one blue, both with have BACK MIKE carefully printed on them in black ink) and floating against the ever-darkening backdrop of the trees seemed to intensify the d?j? vu I had quite deliberately induced, for no two dreams are on the button the same, are they? Things conceived by minds and made by transfer can never be quite the same, even when they try their best to be identical, because were never the same from day to day or even moment to moment.I walked to the sign, feeling the mystery of this place at twilight. I squeezed down on the board, feeling its rough reality, and then I ran the ball of my thumb over the letters, daring the splinters and reading with my skin like a cover man reading braille S and A and R and A L and A and U and G and H and S.The driveway had been alter of fallen needles and blown-down branches, but Dark Score glimmered a fading rosebush just as it had in my dreams, and the sprawled hulk of the house was the same. Bill had thoughtfully left the light over the back stoop burning, and the sunflowers growing through the boards had long since been cut down, but everything else was the same.I looked overhead, at the slot of slant over the lane. Nothing . . . I w aited . . . and nothing . . . waiting still . . . and then there it was, right where the center of my gaze had been tpeltinged. At one moment there was only the fading sky (with indigo just starting line to rise up from the edges like an infusion of ink), and at the next genus Venus was glowing there, bright and steady. People talk about watching the stars come out, and I suppose some people do, but I think that was the only time in my life that I actually byword one appear. I wished on it, too, but this time it was real time, and I did not wish for Jo.Help me, I said, looking at the star. I would have said more, but I didnt know what to give tongue to. I didnt know what kind of help I needed.Thats enough, a voice in my mind said uneasily. Thats enough, now. Go on back and get your car.Except that wasnt the plan. The plan was to go down the driveway, just as I had in the final dream, the nightmare. The plan was to prove to myself that there was no shroud-wrapped monster lurking i n the shadows of the big old log house down there. The plan was pretty much based on that bit of New Age wisdom which says the word fear stands for Face Everything And Recover. But, as I stood there and looked down at that coruscation of porch light (it looked very small in the growing darkness), it occurred to me that theres another bit of wisdom, one not quite so good-morning-starshine, which suggests fear is actually an acronym for hindquarters Everything And Run. rest there by myself in the woods as the light left the sky, that seemed like the smarter interpretation, no two ways about it.I looked down and was a little amused to see that I had taken one of the balloons untied it without even noticing as I thought things over. It floated serenely up from my hand at the end of its string, the words printed on it now impossible to read in the growing dark.Maybe its all moot, leastways maybe I wont be able to move. Maybe that old irritate writers walk has got hold of me again, and Ill just stand here like a statue until someone comes on and hauls me away.But this was real time in the real world, and in the real world there was no much(prenominal) thing as writers walk. I opened my hand. As the string Id been holding floated free, I walked under the rising balloon and started down the driveway. Foot followed foot, pretty much as they had ever since Id first learned this trick back in 1959. I went deeper and deeper into the clean but sour smell of pine, and once I caught myself taking an extra-big step, avoiding a fallen branch that had been in the dream but wasnt here in reality.My heart was still thudding hard, and sweat was still pouring out of me, oiling my skin and drawing mosquitoes. I raised a hand to brush the hair off my brow, then stopped, holding it splay-fingered out in front of my eyes. I put the other one next to it. Neither was marked there wasnt even a shadow of scar from the cut Id given myself while crawling around my bedroom during the ice storm. Im all right, I said. Im all right.You funny little man, said Strickland, a voice answered. It wasnt mine, wasnt Jos it was the UFO voice that had narrated my nightmare, the one which had driven me on even when I wanted to stop. The voice of some outsider.I started walking again. I was better than halfway down the driveway now. I had reached the point where, in the dream, I told the voice that I was afraid of Mrs. Danvers.Im afraid of Mrs. D., I said, difficult the words aloud in the growing dark. What if the bad old housekeepers down there?A loon cried on the lake, but the voice didnt answer. I suppose it didnt have to. There was no Mrs. Danvers, she was only a base of operations of bones in an old book, and the voice knew it.I began walking again. I passed the big pine that Jo had once banged into in our Jeep, trying to back up the driveway. How she had sworn Like a sailor I had managed to keep a straight face until she got to Fuck a duck, and then Id lost it, slant against the side of the Jeep with the heels of my hands pressed against my temples, howling until tears turn over down my cheeks, and Jo glaring hot blue sparks at me the whole time.I could see the mark about three feet up on the trunk of the tree, the white seeming to float supra the dark bark in the gloom. It was just here that the unease which pervaded the other dreams had skewed into something off the beaten track(predicate) worse. Even before the shrouded thing had come bursting out of the house, I had felt something was all wrong, all twisted up I had felt that somehow the house itself had gone insane. It was at this point, passing the old scarred pine, that I had wanted to run like the gingerbread man.I didnt feel that now. I was afraid, yes, but not in terror. There was nothing behind me, for one thing, no sound of slobbering breath. The worst thing a man was likely to come upon in these woods was an irritated moose. Or, I supposed, if he was really unlucky, a pissed-off bear.In the dream there had been a moon at least three quarters full, but there was no moon in the sky above me that night. Nor would there be in glancing over the weather page in that mornings Derry News, I had noticed that the moon was new.Even the most powerful d?j? vu is fragile, and at the thought of that moonless sky, mine broke. The sense datum of reliving my nightmare departed so abruptly that I even wondered why I had make this, what I had hoped to prove or accomplish. Now Id have to go all the way back down the dark lane to retrieve my car.All right, but Id do it with a torch from the house. One of them would surely still be just within the A series of jagged explosions ran themselves off on the far side of the lake, the last loud enough to echo against the hills. I stopped, drawing in a quick breath. Moments before, those unexpected bangs in all likelihood would have sent me running back up the driveway in a panic, but now I had only that brief, startled moment. It was firecrackers, of operate, the last one the loudest one maybe an M-80. tomorrow was the Fourth of July, and across the lake kids were celebrating early, as kids are wont to do.I walked on. The bushes still reached like hands, but they had been pruned back and their reach wasnt very threatening. I didnt have to worry about the power being out, either I was now close enough to the back stoop to see moths fluttering around the light Bill Dean had left on for me. Even if the power had been out (in the western part of the state a lot of the lines are still above ground, and it goes out a lot), the gennie would have kicked in automatically.Yet I was awed by how much of my dream was actually here, even with the powerful sense of repetition of reliving departed. Jos planters were where theyd always been, flanking the path which leads down to Saras little lick of beach I suppose Brenda Meserve had found them curvey in the cellar and had had one of her crew set them out again. Nothin g was growing in them yet, but I suspected that stuff would be soon. And even without the moon of my dream, I could see the black square on the water, standing(a) about fifty yards offshore. The swimming float.No oblong shape lying overturned in front of the stoop, though no coffin. Still, my heart was beating hard again, and I think if more firecrackers had gone off on the Kashwakamak side of the lake just then, I might have screamed.You funny little man, said Strickland.Give me that, its my dust-catcher.What if death drives us insane? What if we survive, but it drives us insane? What then?I had reached the point where, in my nightmare, the door banged open and that white shape came hurtling out with its wrapped arms upraised. I took one more step and then stopped, hearing the harsh sound of my respiration as I drew each breath down my throat and then pushed it back out over the dry pull down of my tongue. There was no sense of d?j? vu, but for a moment I thought the shape would a ppear anyway here in the real world, in real time. I stood waiting for it with my sweaty hands clenched. I drew in another dry breath, and this time I held it.The soft lap of water against the shore.A breeze that patted my face and rattle the bushes.A loon cried out on the lake moths battered the stoop light.No shroud-monster threw open the door, and through the big windows to the left and right of the door, I could see nothing moving, white or otherwise. There was a note above the knob, probably from Bill, and that was it. I let out my breath in a rush and walked the rest of the way down the driveway to Sara Laughs.The note was therefore from Bill Dean. It said that Brenda had done some shopping for me the supermarket receipt was on the kitchen table, and I would find the pantry well stocked with canned goods. Shed gone subdued with the perishables, but there was milk, butter, half-and-half, and hamburger, that staple of single-guy cuisine.I will see you next Mon., Bill had writ ten. If I had my druthers Id be here to say hello in person but the good wife says its our turn to do the holiday trotting and so we are going down to Virginia (hot) to egest the 4th with her sister. If you need anything or run into problems . . .He had jotted his sister-in-laws phone number in Virginia as well as Butch Wigginss number in town, which locals just call the TR, as in Me and mother got tired of Bethel and moved our trailer over to the TR. There were other numbers, as well the plumber, the electrician, Brenda Meserve, even the TV guy over in Harrison who had repositioned the DSS dish for maximum reception. Bill was taking no chances. I turned the note over, imagining a final P.S. Say, Mike, if nuclear war should break out before me and Yvette get back from Virginia Something moved behind me.I whirled on my heels, the note dropping from my hand. It fluttered to the boards of the back stoop like a larger, whiter version of the moths banging the bulb overhead. In that ins tant I was sure it would be the shroud-thing, an insane revenant in my wifes decaying body, Give me my dust-catcher, give it to me, how dare you come down here and irritate my rest, how dam you come to Manderley again, and now that youre here, how will you ever get away? Into the mystery with you, you silly little man. Into the mystery with you.Nothing there. It had just been the breeze again, stirring the bushes around a little . . . except I had felt no breeze against my sweaty skin, not that time.Well it must have been, theres nothing there, I said.The sound of your voice when youre alone can be either scary or reassuring. That time it was the latter. I bent over, picked up Bills note, and stuffed it into my back pocket. Then I rummaged out my keyring. I stood under the stoop light in the big, swooping shadows of the light-struck moths, picking through my keys until I found the one I wanted. It had a funny disused look, and as I rubbed my thumb along its serrated edge, I wondere d again why I hadnt come down here except for a couple of quick broad daylight errands in all the months and years since Jo had died. Surely if she had been alive, she would have insisted But then a peculiar realization came to me it wasnt just a matter of since Jo died. It was easy to think of it that way never once during my six weeks on Key Largo had I thought of it any other way but now, actually standing here in the shadows of the dancing moths (it was like standing under some weird organic disco ball) and listening to the loons out on the lake, I remembered that although Johanna had died in August of 1994, she had died in Derry. It had been miserably hot in the city . . . so why had we been there? Why hadnt we been sit out on our shady deck on the lake side of the house, drunkenness iced tea in our bathing suits, watching the boats go back and onward and commenting on the form of the various water-skiers? What had she been doing in that damned Rite tending parking lot to begin with, when during any other August we would have been miles from there?Nor was that all. We coarsely stayed at Sara until the end of September it was a peaceful, pretty time, as warm as summer. But in 93 wed left with August only a week gone. I knew, because I could remember Johanna going to New York with me later that month, some kind of publishing deal and the usual attendant publicity crap. It had been dog-hot in Manhattan, the hydrants spraying in the East settlement and the uptown streets sizzling. On one night of that trip wed seen The Phantom of the Opera. nest the end Jo had leaned over to me and whispered, Oh fuck The Phantom is snivelling again I had played out the rest of the show trying to keep from bursting into wild peals of laughter. Jo could be detestation that way.Why had she come with me that August? Jo didnt like New York even in April or October, when its sort of pretty. I didnt know. I couldnt remember. All I was sure of was that she had never been back to Sara Laughs after early August of 1993 . . . and before long I wasnt even sure of that.I slipped the key into the lock and turned it. Id go inner, flip on the kitchen overheads, grab a blowtorch, and go back for the car. If I didnt, some drunk guy with a cottage at the far south end of the lane would come in too fast, rear-end my Chevy, and sue me for a billion dollars.The house had been aired out and didnt smell a bit musty instead of still, stale air, there was a faint and pleasing aroma of pine. I reached for the light inside the door, and then, somewhere in the blackness of the house, a child began to sob. My hand froze where it was and my framing went cold. I didnt panic, exactly, but all rational thought left my mind. It was weeping, a childs weeping, but I hadnt a clue as to where it was approach path from.Then it began to fade. Not to grow softer but to fade, as if someone had picked that kid up and was carrying it away down some long corridor. . . not that any such corridor existed in Sara Laughs. Even the one running through the middle of the house, connecting the underlying section to the two wings, isnt really long.Fading . . . faded . . . almost gone.I stood in the dark with my cold skin crawling and my hand on the lightswitch. Part of me wanted to boogie, to just go flying out of there as fast as my little legs could carry me, running like the gingerbread man. Another part, however the rational part was already reasserting itself.I flicked the switch, the part that wanted to run saying forget it, it wont work, its the dream, duncish, its your dream coming true. But it did work. The foyer light came on in a shadow-dispelling rush, revealing Jos low-set little pottery collection to the left and the bookcase to the right, stuff I hadnt looked at in four years or more, but still here and still the same. On a middle shelf of the bookcase I could see the three early Elmore Leonard novels Swag, The Big Bounce, and Mr. Majestyk that I had put aside against a spell of rainy weather you have to be ready for rain when youre at camp. Without a good book, even two days of rain in the woods can be enough to drive you bonkers.There was a final whisper of weeping, then silence. In it, I could hear ticking from the kitchen. The clock by the stove, one of Jos rare lapses into bad taste, is Felix the throw off with big eyes that shift from side to side as his pendulum tail flicks back and forth. I think its been in every cheap execration movie ever made.Whos here? I called. I took a step toward the kitchen, just a dim space floating beyond the foyer, then stopped. In the dark the house was a cavern. The sound of the weeping could have come from anywhere. Including my own imagination. Is someone here?No answer . . . but I didnt think the sound had been in my head. If it had been, writers block was the least of my worries.Standing on the bookcase to the left of the Elmore Leonards was a long-barrelled flashlight, the kind that holds eight D-cells and will temporarily blind you if someone shines it directly into your eyes. I grasped it, and until it nearly slipped through my hand I hadnt really realized how heavily I was sweating, or how scared I was. I juggled it, heart beating hard, half-expecting that creepy sobbing to begin again, half-expecting the shroud-thing to come floating out of the black living room with its formless arms raised some old hack of a pol back from the grave and ready to give it another piquance. Vote the straight Resurrection ticket, brethren, and you will be saved.I got control of the light and turned it on. It shot a bright straight beam into the living room, picking out the moosehead over the fieldstone fireplace it shone in the heads glass eyes like two lights burning under water. I saw the old cane-and-bamboo chairs the old cast off the scarred dining-room table you had to balance by shimming one leg with a folded playing card or a couple of beer coasters I saw no g hosts I decided this was a seriously muff carnival just the same. In the words of the immortal Cole Porter, lets call the whole thing off. If I headed east as soon as I got back to my car, I could be in Derry by midnight. dormancy in my own bed.I turned out the foyer light and stood with the flash drawing its line across the dark. I listened to the tick of that stupid cat-clock, which Bill must have set going, and to the familiar chugging cycle of the refrigerator. As I listened to them, I realized that I had never expected to hear either sound again. As for the crying . . .Had there been crying? Had there really?Yes. Crying or something. Just what now seemed moot. What seemed germane was that coming here had been a dangerous idea and a stupid course of action for a man who has taught his mind to misbehave. As I stood in the foyer with no light but the flash and the glow go in the windows from the bulb over the back stoop, I realized that the line between what I knew was real and what I knew was only my imagination had pretty much disappeared.I left the house, checked to make sure the door was locked, and walked back up the driveway, swinging the flashlight beam from side to side like a pendulum like the tail of old Felix the Krazy Kat in the kitchen. It occurred to me, as I struck north along the lane, that I would have to make up some sort of story for Bill Dean. It wouldnt do to say, Well, Bill, I got down there and comprehend a kid shout in my locked house, and it scared me so bad I turned into the gingerbread man and ran back to Derry. Ill send you the flashlight I took put it back on the shelf next to the paperbacks, would you? That wasnt any good because the story would get around and people would say, Not surprised. Wrote too many books, probably. Work like that has got to soften a mans head. Now hes scared of his own shadow. Occupational hazard.Even if I never came down here again in my life, I didnt want to leave people on the TR with that opini on of me, that half-contemptuous, see-what-you-get-for-thinking-too-much attitude. Its one a lot of folks seem to have about people who live by their imaginations.Id tell Bill I got sick. In a way it was true. Or no . . . better to tell him someone else got sick . . . a friend . . . someone in Derry Id been seeing . . . a lady-friend, perhaps. Bill, this friend of mine, this lady-friend of mine got sick, you see, and so . . . I stopped suddenly, the light shining on the front of my car. I had walked the mile in the dark without noticing many of the sounds in the woods, and dismissing even the big of them as deer settling down for the night. I hadnt turned around to see if the shroud-thing (or maybe some spectral crying child) was following me. I had gotten involved in making up a story and then embellishing it, doing it in my head instead of on paper this time but going down all the same well-known paths. I had gotten so involved that I had neglected to be afraid. My heartbeat was back to normal, the sweat was drying on my skin, and the mosquitoes had stopped whining in my ears. And as I stood there, a thought occurred to me. It was as if my mind had been waiting patiently for me to calm down enough so it could remind me of some essential fact.The pipes. Bill had gotten my go-ahead to replace most of the old stuff, and the plumber had done so. Very recently hed done so.Air in the pipes, I said, running the beam of the eight-cell flashlight over the grille of my Chevrolet. Thats what I comprehend.I waited to see if the deeper part of my mind would call this a stupid, rationalizing lie. It didnt . . . because, I suppose, it realized it could be true. Airy pipes can sound like people talking, dogs barking, or children crying. Perhaps the plumber had bled them and the sound had been something else . . . but perhaps he hadnt. The question was whether or not I was going to jump in my car, back two tenths of a mile to the highway, and then return to Derry, all on t he basis of a sound I had heard for ten seconds (maybe only five), and while in an excited, stressful state of mind.I decided the answer was no. It might take only one more peculiar thing to turn me around probably gibbering like a character on Tales from the Crypt but the sound Id heard in the foyer wasnt enough. Not when making a go of it at Sara Laughs might mean so much.I hear voices in my head, and have for as long as I can remember. I dont know if thats part of the incumbent equipment for being a writer or not Ive never asked another one. I never felt the need to, because I know all the voices I hear are versions of me. Still, they often seem like very real versions of other people, and none is more real to me-or more familiar than Jos voice. Now that voice came, sounding interested, amused in an ironic but gentle way . . . and approving.Going to fight, Mike?Yeah, I said, standing there in the dark and picking out gleams of chromium-plate with my flashlight. Think so, babe .Well, then thats all right, isnt it?Yes. It was. I got into my car, started it up, and drove slowly down the lane. And when I got to the driveway, I turned in.There was no crying the second time I entered the house. I walked slowly through the downstairs, keeping the flashlight in my hand until I had turned on every light I could find if there were people still boating on the north end of the lake, old Sara probably looked like some weird Spielbergian flying saucer hovering above them.I think houses live their own lives along a time-stream thats different from the ones upon which their owners float, one thats slower. In a house, especially an old one, the past is closer. In my life Johanna had been dead nearly four years, but to Sara, she was much nearer than that. It wasnt until I was actually inside, with all the lights on and the flash returned to its spot on the bookshelf, that I realized how much I had been dreading my arrival. Of having my grief reawakened by signs of Johann as interrupted life. A book with a landmark turned down on the table at one end of the sofa, where Jo had liked to recline in her nightgown, reading and eating plums the cardboard tin can of Quaker Oats, which was all she ever wanted for breakfast, on a shelf in the pantry her old green robe hung on the back of the bathroom door in the south wing, which Bill Dean still called the new wing, although it had been built before we ever saw Sara Laughs.Brenda Meserve had done a good job a humane job-of removing these signs and signals, but she couldnt get them all. Jos backed set of Sayerss Peter Wimsey novels still held pride of place at the center of the living room bookcase. Jo had always called the moosehead over the fireplace Bunter, and once, for no reason I could remember (certainly it seemed a very un-Bunterlike accessory), she had hung a bell around the mooses smooth-haired neck. It hung there still, on a red velvet ribbon. Mrs. Meserve might have puzzled over that bell, wo ndering whether to leave it up or take it down, not knowing that when Jo and I made love on the living-room couch (and yes, we were often overcome there), we referred to the act as ringing Bunters bell. Brenda Meserve had done her best, but any good marriage is secret territory, a necessary white space on societys map. What others dont know about it is what makes it yours.I walked around, tinge things, looking at things, seeing them new. Jo seemed everywhere to me, and after a little while I dropped into one of the old cane chairs in front of the TV. The cushion wheezed under me, and I could hear Jo saying, Well excuse yourself, MichaelI put my face in my hands and cried. I suppose it was the last of my mourning, but that made it no easier to bear. I cried until I thought something inside me would break if I didnt stop. When it finally let me go, my face was drenched, I had the hiccups, and I thought I had never felt so tired in my life. I felt strained all over my body partially from the walking Id done, I suppose, but mostly just from the tension of getting here . . . and deciding to stay here. To fight. That weird phantom crying Id heard when I first stepped into the place, although it seemed very distant now, hadnt helped.I washed my face at the kitchen sink, rubbing away the tears with the heels of my hands and clearing my clotted nose. Then I carried my suitcases down to the guest bedroom in the north wing. I had no intention of sleeping in the south wing, in the master bedroom where I had last slept with Jo.That was a choice Brenda Meserve had foreseen. There was a bouquet of impudent wildflowers on the bureau, and a card WELCOME BACK, MR. NOONAN. If I hadnt been emotionally exhausted, I suppose looking at that message, in Mrs. Meserves spiky copperplate handwriting, would have brought on another fit of the weeps. I put my face in the flowers and breathed deeply. They smelled good, like sunshine. Then I took off my clothes, leaving them where they dr opped, and turned back the coverlet on the bed. Fresh sheets, fresh pillowcases same old Noonan sliding between the former and dropping his head onto the latter.I lay there with the bedside lamp on, looking up at the shadows on the ceiling, almost unable to believe I was in this place and this bed. There had been no shroud-thing to greet me, of course . . . but I had an idea it might well find me in my dreams.Sometimes for me, at least theres a transitional bump between waking and sleeping. Not that night. I slipped away without knowing it, and woke the next morning with sunlight shining in through the window and the bedside lamp still on. There had been no dreams that I could remember, only a vague sensation that I had awakened sometime briefly in the night and heard a bell ringing, very thin and far away.