The Ocean

why do I do it? Why do I sc be myself with the ocean? It is true, it is merciless, literally its non conscious, so it has no feelings, no remorse, no pity, no awareness. It would be unconventional to say it is inanimate, because it is certainly animate. And non alive, yet contains so much life-time within it might as well be. Like a Frankenstein dead body filled with cells and bacteria and nerve impulses yet no consciousness. My worst nightmare I dont form it very often and its a strong one screwing take a variety of forms and happen in a variety of places its being overwhelmed by a tsunami.I sat watching one of the biggest waves in the field at Teahupoo with my friend, a psychologist. I asked her what a psychologist would say that fear of a tsunami meant. I dunno. Probably some amour to do with your mother. Normally is, eh? . But I cant help thinking Im also nevertheless simply scared of death by drowning. Why then do I travel by freighter transport, why then do I ne cessity to sail across the ocean in a tiny sail boat? Funnily, the tsunami dream never occurs at sea. Its incessantly the shore that is inundated. With that wall of approaching death. But the sea lighten scares me.As well it should. It is the only sensible reaction to be cautious of such(prenominal) a beast. I keep on wishing to anthropomorphise it. Should I? Cautious, yes but scared? Im trying to work discipline is my fear rational or irrational. Do I think the sea, the ocean, symbolises something, soul? Do I think something like the tsunami is coming to get me? Or someone? Or is it myself thats haunting me? Even here on the bridge, of a vast freighter ship, 150 feet above the calm smutty waters of the Pacific, I worry. I am outside, I hear a horn. Was that ours, I ask?The watchmen say no mayhap it was the radio. It wasnt a radio. I check the radar nothing. I skip outside over again this time with binoculars. Give me a man with binoculars over your electronic instruments. Or is it further my lack of faith? Faith in what? In technology? In buoyancy? In myself? Every time I stand at a railing I crouch slightly. I am secretly terrified that someone might come up behind me and just topple me in. Even during the day to drop cancelled the side of this ship would be practically certain death. No uncertainty about it. You would be gone, gone, gone.No one would fall upon. And by the time they noticed your absence seizure at dinner they would never, ever convey you. Maybe the worst thing is that I jazz the ocean could swallow this whole enormous ship and not care. Not even show a trace of where it had been. both miles deep in a matter of hours. The first mate assures me, helpfully, that yes, that could happen. Sometimes, they break in two, he says. And sink in minutes. So helpful. Not what I expected or hoped for him to say. And maybe thats another thing. That if you die in a car crash at least theres a body.Theres something for your family to cry over, to mourn, theres a proof that you existed. Die in the ocean and theyll probably never find your body. Your life, and the corporal proof of your existence, leave both be gone at the selfsame(prenominal) time. We like to think we would live on in others memories. But it would be nice to have a grave. And theres no substitute for still existing. I never realised in front yes, I want to lie in a grave. I want to die in a bed, and then be put in a grave. An orchard, where I can turn into sweet apples. Dont tell anyone.But here, I dont belong. This is not where I came from. As beautiful as it is this place, under the moon, the light on the ocean (or is that glow some obstacle we are heading for a collision with? ) it is not our home. We are not returning to the ocean, because its not where were from. Our bodies know this. They are averse to the endless waters where we could be lost, forever, completely, and never upbringing the lands of our home again. On the horizon there is ligh tning. We can see a long way here we can see eitherthing so we see lightning striking on all sides.Far in the distance. Out here, this is the wilderness, the wildnerness that was always here, and always will be. So much the same, and yet it keeps changing. Yet never for the offend not for good. You can never truly know it, and never demand it your home, not here however good your bushcraft. On land, in the wilderness, you could find a cave, a tree, build a cabin, protect yourself from the elements. Former wildernesses are communities, pubs, shopping malls. But the sea will always be a wilderness. Simply enough to lay your nose and mouth in will kill you.Just imagine what a whole ocean of it could do. What if that lightning suddenly strikes, on all sides, the rain lashing down, the waves lapping up? Already every(prenominal) time a furniture fitting shudders I worry. I breach writing to judge our pitch, our roll, is everything okay? I think Im becoming more like my mum. But wh at if that lightning animated the sea, struck, lit it up with its ferocious flash of energy and gave life to that unconscious Frankenstein body? Its alive, and its all around us, its angry and wild and immense.The crew is overwhelming, impressive, and terrifying. Its alive, it towers over you its coming to get you. You wonder why it hasnt got you already. What watery trickery these sailors have with their heavy keel, with their well-shaped hull to have a go at it death and rob the sea of its would-be prize. But the sea doesnt care. It is poised over you like a skyscraper, one that comes crashing down every few seconds. And it does that again. And again. And again. Every few seconds, on every side. For hours. And then its calm. And as quickly as the storm came it relinquishes you.After all, it doesnt care, its not a man, an intellect, or a vengeance. Its not your subconscious. Its just a storm. And all that you have to protect yourself from it all that I have to protect myself fro m it is not luck or fate or talismans or wishes or even hopes or life plans or dreams. Nor technology nor skill nor discipline nor toil nor anything earned. Only yourself only myself. Relying on myself, knowing myself, trusting, completely, myself, my mind, my body, my thoughts, my actions. And maybe that is why the ocean is so so scary.